Worst Parents-Best Tar Heel Fans of the Year

April 12, 2009

We have been nominated for the coveted “Worst Parents/Best Tar Heel Fans of the Year Award”. It is an award given annually to the family that displays the qualities of outstanding loyalty to the UNC Tar Heels, but in the process inflicts untold psychological damage upon their children–damage which may require decades of counseling and medication.

Dook fans would argue that any parents who root for UNC are abusing their children, but in order to be considered for this award, one needs to do more than simply indoctrinate your innocent children into the Carolina Blue traditions. Simply being a member of the “light blue mafia” is not nearly enough to win this august award. Herewith, I make the case for two Tar Heel families, a Clemson fan and a South African for the 2009 WP/BTHotY Award:

We begin with the coveted UNC Golden Gourmet Peanuts:championship-cupThese were imported from Franklin Street, Chapel Hill, North Carolina–getting past customs in Johannesburg, South Africa. The children have been asking to sample the peanuts since our arrival in January. We told them emphatically…not until UNC wins the national championship. (n.b. expiration date November 2009, so they will not taste so great several years from now.)

28 March 2009: 4:00 am (UNC-Gonzaga Sweet Sixteen)

The Augustine’s and new Tar Heel convert and South African native Adrian Murray arrive at Jeremiah von Kuhn’s apartment at 4 am in time for the tip off of the UNC-Gonzaga game. The game is shown on ESPN on digital satellite TV in South Africa. Jeremiah has DSTV unlike the rest of us. The Passaro’s arrive fifteen minutes later. Total tally: 5 adults, 6 children under the age of 12.  Jeremiah is a Clemson fan, but agrees to both host us and cook eggs and bacon along with Adrian, thus disproving the rumors that Clemson fans are worthless. There is at least one great Clemson fan in this universe and his name is Jeremiah von Kuhn.

three-cheers-for-clemsonThe Americans promptly fired up the laptops not content to rest at 4 am. Kristi is copying photos from our various trips, Paul working on some spreadsheet or sending important emails or whatever it is that businessmen do, and Brian is trying to hack into the Tar Heel Sports Network. Paul usually gets up at 4 am, so he is looking particularly chipper-Brian not so much.tar-heel-laptops-on-fireFortunately, at least Brian was successful as the UNC-Gonzaga game was not the featured game, so we listened to Woody and Eric for most of the game only catching the last fifteen minutes on TV.

The kids celebrated the 98-77 victory at 6 am:unc-child-abuse-part-1

Lightning strikes twice:

30 March 2009, 4:00 am (second half UNC-Oklahoma Elite Eight)

The Augustine’s, Adrian and Jeremiah repeat the March Madness celebration of two days earlier. We arrive at the gate at 4 am and are greeted by Jeremiah. We announce that we are here for the “Worst Parents of the Month Conference”. Jeremiah readily agrees that we are in strong contention for this months award. Tip-off time for the game was an hour earlier on the East Coast, and thus the Elite Eight game started at 3 am in South Africa. We arrive for the start of the second half. Not watching the entire game could be the one hitch in our otherwise strong resume for the WP/BTHotY Award nomination. The girls have vacation from school, but Brian does not have the day off from work. We all celebrate the 72-60 victory while holding the South African flag. If you look carefully, you can see Ruthie’s sleeping feet sticking out from under the flag. They don’t make 3 year old’s the same any more.unc-child-abuse-part-21

Preparing to watch the Final Four, we are excited as we are all traveling to Swaziland to stay at the Ezulwini Sun hotel. We figure that they would be sure to have DSTV in one of the most luxurious hotels in all of Swaziland. Not exactly. We had DSTV, but not ESPN and the Tar Heel Sports Network was not connecting either. So we wake the kids up at 5 am on Tuesday, 7 April to listen to the second half of the UNC-Michigan State national championship game on the CBS Sports radio broadcast. We celebrate the Tar Heels National Championship with a breakfast of eggs, bacon and golden gourmet peanuts.

Our official nomination reads as follows: The Augustine’s of Bridgewater, VA and Passaro’s of Chapel Hill, NC, Tar Heel Fans for Life, are nominated for the prestigious “Worst Parents/Best Tar Heel Fans of the Year Award” for cheering for the UNC Tar Heels in their National Championship run in the 2008-09 season. They are nominated for waking up six young children during the middle of the night to watch or listen to three NCAA games in two countries six time zones away, for using gigabytes of expensive data time to listen to the UNC-Dook game, two ACC and several NCAA tournament games, for importing Tar Heel gourmet peanuts, Jersey Naps napkins and UNC bottle openers to South Africa and for converting one South African and one Clemson fan into Carolina Tar Heel fans for life. (We’re stretching on the Clemson fan.)

GO HEELS! Let the psychological studies begin.dth-unc-nat-champ-040709


4 Responses to “Worst Parents-Best Tar Heel Fans of the Year”

  1. Charley Tull Says:

    WOW….What an award. we are honored to have been a part of this historical occasion. When you come back to the good old USA, please let me know as we would love to send you some JerseyNaps. Your choice, HELLO, Tar Heel Ba-Be!!!

    Kindest Regards,

    Charley Tull
    National Sales Manager

  2. Amy Jo Says:

    Wow Brian. I’m proud. Some kids can complain about being neglected or abused…I think this may be the perfect combination of both! There does seem to be one little thing that you have forgotten in this whole story…ME! I was so there! But hey, as long as Adrian’s name is in lights, I’m happy. I live to be ignored by family and friends…deep psychological scars…maybe my parents used to be UNC fans too! 🙂

  3. Brian Augustine Says:

    I sense some unresolved anger issues.

  4. […] By passarofamily Paul & Kristi Nominated for Worst Parents of 2009! […]

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